Look what I got sent in the mail from Ladybird y’all, just in time for the Royal Wedding – a Wills & Kate dress up dolly book. Thassright, the future king and queen in their skivvies (I’m not gonna show you any inside images as this isn’t Amazon “Search Inside The Book”, folks, so you’ll have to buy your own copy. But I can reveal that Kate’s famous blue Issa dress is recreated to a truly exacting, illustrated standard).
Now I’ll bet that if I had been living in the US this whole time, I’d be sitting at my work desk right this instant, refreshing any page that provided royal wedding gossip enough times to get me disciplinary action from the boss. Instead, I’m in the UK, desperately trying to avoid it. It’s not that I’m not interested in what Kate will be wearing (will it be McQueen? Or Temperley? Or McQueen for The Dress and Temperley for Pippa’s dress? It must be McQueen. No, it must be Temperley. Ooooh, I just don’t know!) but the minute-to-minute updates are Really. Driving. Me. Crazy. Chelsy will be Harry’s plus-one. Chelsy won’t be Harry’s plus-one. No, she won’t. Yes, she will. And oooh, just look at all the SCANDALOUS guests who are being invited, tut tut! Crazy. Just … crazy.
So crazy that I decided to book a holiday ON the day of the wedding and fly out the morning of – just when UK customs will certainly be heaving with tourists ambling to get in. “Nooooo!!!” wailed my mom when I informed her of my departure. “How could you?” she asked, as if I had betrayed some sacred promise. Now, mother, I’m sure every hotel room in Cyprus will be covering it on their television screens, but I’d just rather watch it sipping a pina colada in a beach bar than cheek to jowl with screaming tourists waving a British flag on a plastic thingy along the Horse Guard’s Parade on the day. “But how will I live vicariously through you?” complained Le Petit Elephant (but she is an adorable elephant; I would rather live vicariously through her).
Then, via Twitter and Facebook, I received a message from my alma mater urging me to follow a fellow alum’s journey to London to blog about the royal wedding. I couldn’t click “close” quickly enough (no offense to her, as I’m sure it will be brilliant and you can read it here). It was the last straw.
But this – this, I like. I showed it off to the girls next door in Production and they thought it was cute and even remarked on Kate’s sizing, which should surely “promote positive body image in young girls” as she is probably 2 sizes down from this in real life (“HAS KATE GONE TOO FAR???” screamed one headline yesterday). As for Wills? Well, let’s just say no royal has looked better in boxer briefs and dress shoes. And that six-pack? Mmm, yummy. Better yet, inside are fourteen different outfits for you to cut-out and dress the dolls with, including – and ladies, this is important – accessories. Swoon. I can confirm that I will be emulating the “Weekend in the Country” look very soon.
So if you've had enough of the royal hoo-ha but still want to be in on some psyched-up-wedding-fun, I highly recommend taking an afternoon off and inviting paper Wills & Kate to a royal tea party at your place. Just make sure their accessories match their outfits (just sayin').
