Thank you for all of your support; your kind and lovely comments mean so much to me. I never know whether to share or not to share personal, sad moments, but when I read your thoughtful responses, it encourages me to keep sharing.
So, thank you.
I reconnected with one of my cousins recently through Facebook (such a 21st-century admission to make, I know) who was at my grandma's funeral in Hong Kong, and she sent me photos of Mar Mar's apartment, which is on the market now. It's funny how photographs can trigger memories, can't it? And how vividly so, as well. Just seeing the metal door to the kitchen made me remember how it felt to push it open with my hand; seeing the door to the balcony in Mar Mar's room reminded me of the time I accidentally locked myself in (along with my brother!) during a typhoon when we were little and how panicked I felt (as usual).
In the meantime, John and I have been continuing on with our favorite hobby: putting the house together. Bit by bit, piece by piece, it's slowly coming together. See that huge gap between the wall and the floor? Yeah, we've got to fix that. In two other rooms.
But it's fun, and it's a process, and I guess what I'm trying to get at is that grief and mourning may not be fun, but they're processes. Things to get through. Until you can stand back, after time gives you space, and feel - I mean, really feel - joy at the wonderful memories you remember: a soft, warm hand you held while crossing the street, tendrils of steam rising from the rice you'd been served from her ancient rice-cooker (which my cousin said she saw in a museum in Taipei recently - it's THAT old!), or a gentle gaze from eyes that crinkled into lines when she laughed.
Meanwhile, just before I fall asleep, I wish and wait for her to visit me in my dreams.
You, my dear, are such a strong woman. Your Mar Mar I'm sure is smiling wherever she is right now with pride and love. x
ReplyDeleteThank you, Honey ... <3 xx
DeleteI think the thing to remember about grief is that is a never ending process. By that, I mean that of course the pain and feeling of loss diminish as the years go by, but you never "get over it", you merely become better at living with the grief. It's 20 years this year since my dad passed away (at only 53 years old) and I miss him still. The anniversary was 10 days ago and I said to my mum that although I do still miss him, I no longer feel sad in the true sense of the meaning. Am I making sense?
ReplyDeleteBottom line ... yes, grief is a process but there isn't a one-type-fits-all and everyone's process is as long as it need to be.
Thanks for reminding me, Ruth. I think that I rush through grief. And then it comes and revisits me at the most unexpected times, and I'm not ready for it. I am so sorry to hear that your dad passed away at such a young age. I am sure you miss him incredibly so. But I also get what you mean about not feeling sad in the true sense of the meaning ... I think that's what I was trying (unsuccessfully!) to articulate towards the end there. Sending you love.
DeleteYou're such a wonderful soul Jaime, and I'm so sorry for your loss - I'm not sure how I've missed this news, so apologies for my tardiness. Keep on keepin' on, my dear, and all will be well and joyous again xxx
ReplyDelete<3 xxx
DeleteIt's nice that you have something to channel your emotions into - starting your first new home! Life's a whirlwind of ups and downs, but it's the sad things that make us appreciate the happy times even more.
ReplyDeleteLauren xx
Absolutely. Thank you so much for your love + support. Means a lot to me xx
DeleteA big, fat, warm & squishy hug to you. You're right: it's a process. But it won't get the better of you :) Can't wait to see how deftly you've channeled your emotions into decorating your new home.
ReplyDeleteAh, love - keeping busy can be simply the best way sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love, Jaime. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteAndrea's Passions