A week ago, while John went skiing with friends (newsflash: I hate snowsports, so I didn't go), I stayed up during all hours of the night - not going to bed until 12 or 1 a.m.
Was I indulging in some kind of secret past-time that I didn't want my husband to know about? Or catching up on bad TV? Not really (although, I did binge-watch the entire Season 4 of House of Cards over two days). It's just that I don't sleep well when he's not beside me.
But it goes beyond that: I can't relax when John's not home. I pad around the house in my socks, jumping at every noise, startled by my own reflection in a dark window, muscles tensed and fists clenched. I check the locks on our front door not once, twice, but three times. I hold my breath as our alarm counts down to its "armed" mode. Unsettled.
Sure enough, the day he came back, I was like a puppy scratching at the front door. But then a curious thing happened: nearly as soon as he walked in, I felt ... sleepy. So sleepy that, when we went out for a celebratory dinner (celebrating the fact that he was back, duh), I nearly dozed off into my favorite bowl of pasta (Gamberoni, if you really want to know).
"What's wrong with you?" he asked, as he nearly had to half-carry me home at 9 p.m.
"I'm shhhoooo shleeepy," I whined into his jacket, my face obscured by his scarf.
Indeed, over the next few nights, I muttered my excuses after dinner and headed straight to bed: at 8:30 p.m. I thought I was coming down with something, until I realized that ... I was sleeping so well because I felt safe again.
And there's only one other place I feel like that at: my home in Washington (that's State, not D.C., for all you non-PNW folks). Back in my childhood home, tucked well under my comforter (I can still imagine the feeling of my mom's hands tucking in all the corners around my legs, like she did when I was little), the familiar sounds of the oil furnace roaring outside my bedroom door, my Hello Kitty clock with its steady, loud ticking and my parents' footsteps overhead - I feel safe. And so very loved. It's the same kind of safety and love I feel in my home here in London, when John's in it.
It wasn't until he visited my parents' house for the first time that I realized all these cues I took for signs of "safety" were actually a little strange: "That clock is so loud," he complained, putting a pillow over his head. "And that furnace is so noisy!" But I smiled, revelling in all the recognizable noises that made me feel utterly, and completely relaxed. Settled. Safe.
Is it just me, or do you sleep better when you're in a specific place? Or in bed with a specific person?
It's amazing how much safety has an effect on your body. I use a sleep app and was averaging 60% which seemed fine, but then I stayed at my childhood home and it went to 96%!
ReplyDeleteThat's so interesting, Natalia! I just received one of those sleep tracker things as a gift and now I TOTALLY want to test this out!
DeleteYES!!! Completely get this. Rich works until 1-2am at least once a week and I never sleep properly until he's back home and in bed with me...and then I'm out for the count! We have a cheesy picture quote framed on our wall which says 'Home is wherever I'm with you' - something I wholeheartedly believe in. Home just isn't home when the love of your life isn't in it :-)
ReplyDeletePolly xx
Glad I'm not the only one, Polly! That quote is so sweet xxx
DeleteI don't sleep that well if The Brainy One is out late and coming home on the Tube (too many nutters, you know ...), but when he's away with work, I tend to sleep right through (and revel in having our king-sized bed to myself, unless The Boy Child climbs in with me ...).
ReplyDeleteInteresting, Ruth! I'm the opposite ... I can sleep if I know that John'll be home in a bit (though I'm not happy to have my sleep interrupted!) but it's when he's away that I find it hard. But it must be comforting to know that your son is home safe and sound with you too, even when your husband's away!
DeleteNice nice nice nice nice!
ReplyDeleteGorgeous post : )
Gemma
Faded Windmills
Aw, thanks, Gemma! :)
DeleteAs one of The Single Ladies I don't have a problem sleeping alone and i actually prefer if I have the place to myself when my flat mates are away but I have noticed I sleep MUCH better in places that are similar to where I grew up.
ReplyDeleteI lived in the true middle of nowhere and if I can get complete silence and darkness and actually see the stars outside then I settle much quicker and sleep through, which I never do in the city, even way out west.
It's funny how your body acclimatises to certain circumstances. :)
That's funny, Sorcha - I sleep better with ambient noise in the background! Sometimes, if I'm taking a nap in our living room, for example, I can just about make out the faint sounds of our neighbor's tv, and it comforts me.
DeleteI am exactly the same! When Alex is gone I don't sleep and jump at every noise.. And I used to live alone! I can't even remember what that was like.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could live alone, Cassie - I'd never get a good night's rest! I've always had to live with at least one other person. I'm so jumpy about noises in the night, like you!
DeleteI do sleep better if Paul is there with me though thankfully our place is very secure so it still feels very safe when he's not
ReplyDeleteThat's good, Suze!
DeleteI hate going to bed when my husband's not there, especially as I'm not a great sleeper at the best of times. If he's due to be back late I'll usually just wait up for him. Going away on business is a whole different kettle of fish too!
ReplyDeleteThe first time I slept in a hotel room by myself (when I took a trip with friends), I freaked myself out with shapes in the dark ... I'm pretty much useless.
DeleteI totally get this. There are a certain set of conditions, that if met, make me sleep like the dead. This was a beautiful post - love it!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Rebecca! I think that maybe, ultimately, everyone has their own "perfect" set of conditions in order to help them sleep well. For me, it's knowing that my loved rooms are nearby, or in the same house as me. I guess it's also about the knowledge of them being safe, as much as it is about me feeling safe!
DeleteAll the stress build-up and release makes you sleep real good. I'm single so I have my bed all to myself, but the minute I put my head on my pillow, I get knocked out in about .5 seconds haha.
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky, Farrah! I freak myself out with shapes in the dark ("OMG, it's the grim reaper ... oh nope, just my robe") and noises ("It's a mouse! Oh wait, the radiator.")
DeleteI completely get this hun, I'm exactly the same. Sometimes when I get home late after a night out, and he's passed out in a deep sleep, I feel like it would be quite nice for the feeling to be reciprocated :P x
ReplyDeleteHaha, YUP. John does NOT have the same problem as I do. xx
DeleteI'm single and live alone so I've got used to sleeping alone but oddly I think I sleep better in London than in my childhood home, outside of London it just feels too quiet! I think the background noises in London help me drop off to sleep faster! x
ReplyDeleteLilyLipstick
I agree, Lily - a bit of constant noise often helps me drop off to sleep. Sometimes when I go to my husband's childhood home in the countryside, the total silence at night freaks me out! x
DeleteIt has taken me a long, long time to be able to sleep in our home when my husband goes travelling for work so I can absolutely sympathise!
ReplyDeleteI was exhausted when he was away because I had to sleep with the lights on and fall asleep to a show on the iPad! Ugh, I need to cope with it better.
DeleteI have this exact same thing; there's just something eerie. Alex is currently doing bar work so works a lot of night shifts and even then I can't settle. I have always have all the lights on. And I always fall asleep in front of the tv. I'm actually drafting a post with pretty similar words as we speak! Ha.
ReplyDeleteK.
I AM EXACTLY THE SAME. Will have to hop over to your blog to read your post!
DeleteI can only sleep alone for a few hours and then I start to panic if my s.o isn't there. I've gotten used to someone being next to me, that if I roll over and no one is there I freak out. Its comforting. Very, comforting.
ReplyDeleteI'm similar, Darianne! Sometimes, I like having the bed to myself if I'm taking a nap, maybe, but it's at night when I really struggle to be on my own!
Deletep.s. love your name!